Did we just say the nineties were finally over? Because we may have spoke too soon. Welcome back, four-digit Dow! Say hello to your old pal National Debt Clock—look how he’s grown! And, below, watch yappy finance maniac Jim Cramer insist that you take whatever money you need for the next five years out of the stock market. Our own advice? Invest in mattresses, because we’re all going to need somewhere under which to hide what little cash we’ve got left.