Here is what the world’s perfect newspaper would look like right now:

• Dow Bow Bow—-733 :(
Markets Slide, Tumble, Plunge, and Otherwisedly Decline
• October Supplies!
U.S. Out Of Iraq—Next Year
• Heidi Reunitey!
Hills Hos BFF Again
• McCain’s Terror Pals!
Lieberman-Cuba-McCain Luv Triangle
• Terror Threats Stalk Barack!
“Kill Him” Shouters Sought In Dunder-Mifflin Land
• Empty Nast Syndrome!
World’s Swankiest Mag Co. Not Filling Seats No More
• Lousy Apple!
Geeks Pay 50% More For Shiny Gay Laptops!
• Veep Cops To Busted Threeway!
Biden Got No Tail In The 1930s—Oh No, Joe!
• Like It Or Lump It!
Why The New Yorker Can’t Punctuate