Teresa Giudice really knows how to stir it up.
In a new Bravo blog, the lightning rod Real Housewives of New Jersey star compares herself to Alice (as in Alice in Wonderland), assigns other characters to her castmates (with unflattering explanations) and launches a few giant bombs at her arch-rival, castmate Caroline Manzo.
The flashy beauty said she made the connection between the Disney heroine and herself because "every time I filmed with the other women … I never knew what to expect and they were insane in a different way almost every day."
The rest of the comparisons are sure to infuriate her castmates, who weren't too keen on the cookbook author in the first place: She paints Caroline as the manipulative Red Queen, with her subservient kids as the playing cards.
She compares Jacqueline Laurita to "the goofy, confusing and very confused Cheshire Cat," while Kathy Wakile "is the high-and-mighty Caterpillar with her hookah, who insults other people's intelligence but can't pronounce words correctly herself."
As for her sister-in-law Melissa Gorga?
"I think she's both Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee since she seems to think she can play two different characters at once: the innocent, fun girl who puts on a show falling into a foot of water in a river and pretending to be scared, and her real self with her nasty little comments, blogs, and interviews," Teresa wrote.
She goes on to thank loyal viewers for seeing through the contradictions and inconsistencies of her castmates, before launching into a tirade against Caroline, calling her "a delusional, hypocritical ball of anger who schemes against anyone and everyone" and a "well-documented liar."
Teresa said that Caroline's recent meltdown against her was indicative of the "really unhappy, almost evil energy" she's seen her display for years. She adds that she thinks at the root of her issues with Caroline is a lingering jealousy after she stole the spotlight from her and became one of the biggest stars on reality TV.
"The show started out as all about their family," the Celebrity Apprentice star wrote. "They were the stars, I was just the silly friend."
Of Melissa -- and the rumors she's been accused of spreading about her -- Teresa backhandedly said that to this day, she doesn't know "if Melissa was or wasn't a stripper or a call girl or a whore or a lesbian or a drug user in her past," but accepts her as a sister and prays "it's all not true!"
Not exactly How to Win Friends and Influence People...The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sundays on Bravo at 10/9c.