The 41-year-old reality star and talk show host opens up about the horrific experience of miscarrying her second child – a baby girl – with Jason Hoppy in the July 2012 issue of Glamour, even revealing that she blamed herself and her busy career — and RadarOnline.com has all the interview highlights.
"Because my first pregnancy had been complicated, and because I was over 40, the doctor told me that I was ‘high risk’ and needed to take it easy,” she shares about her second pregnancy, which only Hoppy, her assistant, one exec at Skinnygirl and her decorator knew about. “So I took it so easy. I had to. I was still bleeding and I was nauseated and uncomfortable — ‘way worse than last time,’ I said to Jason. I felt seven months pregnant even though I was six weeks along. And because we hadn’t planned this, I felt unprepared, like we had so much to do to get ready for this baby. Still, I was excited, if cautiously so, with the words high risk ringing in my ears.”
Once Bethenny found out that she had lost her baby she says her immediate instinct was to blame herself.
"I got dressed, we met the doctor in his office and I launched into it. ‘Is it because I’m busy? My lifestyle? Is this my fault?’ I asked. ‘Absolutely not, absolutely not,’ he replied before I could dump all my neuroses on his desk. ‘You’re 41. You had bleeding. There’s nothing you could have done.’ And I hadn’t done anything. Since I’d found out, I’d been lying down for an hour or two every day and letting others take up the slack. But I blamed myself—of course I did,” she says.
After the heartbreaking miscarriage Bethenny then had to deal with another blow when she learned the sex of the baby.
“Then, 10 days later, my doctor called to give me the results of some tests that he had run. I was in Los Angeles, getting my makeup done—because everything happens to me when I’m in the makeup chair—for an appearance on Ellen. I had the phone to my ear and he told me that the tests came back as ‘female fetus, normal.’ He was reading off a chart, reassuring me that there wasn’t some chromosomal abnormality. But all I heard was ‘female,’ and I fell to pieces. I was picturing Bryn with a little sister. Two little girls in rain boots,” she says.
With the pain came relief and also guilt because of relief.
“Afterward, I went through a range of emotions. There was something so sad about it — that there had been a life there and then suddenly it was not there. There was also, I have to admit, a bit of relief that I wouldn’t be starting my new TV job seven months pregnant. And then there was immense guilt at the relief,” she admits.
So, will Bethenny and Jason add to their brood anytime soon?
"I know that Jason wants another child, but we got married when I was in my late thirties. There are a lot of things he gets by being with me — adventure, excitement, passion. But he doesn’t get the two kids. Or maybe he will. People ask me, ‘Are you going to have another baby?’ and I get a little angry. I know my shtick is being an open book, but when you ask a woman in her forties that question, it’s not always her choice. I’m healthy and could try again. But I don’t want to be a ‘trying’ person. If it’s meant to be, it will happen,” she concludes.
For more on Bethenny, pick up the July 2012 issue on newsstands now.