RadarOnline.com has obtained the five-page heart-wrenching victim impact statement Andrea Constand penned for the judge to consider as he readies to sentence Bill Cosby for sexual assault.
Constand started the letter by explaining how before Cosby violated her in 2004 she was 30 years old and a "fit, confident athlete."
"I knew who I was and I liked who I was," she wrote. "I was at the top of my game."
However, she continued, when her "mentor" and "friend" Cosby drugged and sexually assaulted her she quickly fell apart.
"Instead of being able to run jump and pretty much do anything I wanted physically, during the assault I was paralyzed and completely helpless," she revealed. "I could not move my arms or legs. I couldn't speak or even remain conscious. I was completely vulnerable, and powerless to protect myself."
Constand said her situation only got worse after the crime was committed.
"I wasn't sure what had actually happened but the pain spoke volumes," she wrote. "The shame was overwhelming. Self-doubt and confusion kept me from turning to my family or friends as I normally did. I felt completely alone, unable to trust anyone, including myself."
In the months that followed, Constand noted she "couldn't talk, eat, sleep or socialize," and she became totally isolated.
When she finally got up the nerve to report the assault, she wrote, "The response from Mr. Cosby's legal team was swift and furious. It was meant to frighten and intimidate and it worked."
"They psychological, emotional and financial bullying included a slander campaign in the media that left my entire family reeling in shock and disbelief."
But reliving the sexual assault during depositions for Cosby's lawyers was even worse.
"I felt traumatized all over again and was often in tears," Constand noted in her statement. "I had to watch Cosby make jokes and attempt to degrade and diminish me, while his lawyers belittled and sneered at me. It deepened my sense of shame and helplessness, and at the end of each day, I felt emotionally drained and exhausted."
Even after the case was closed with a settlement, sealed testimony and a non-disclosure agreement, continued Constand, "the attacks on my character continued."
"I still didn't know that the sexual assault was just the tip of the iceberg," she wrote.
Constand wondered in her victim impact statement why "the burden of being the sole witness in two criminal trials" had to fall on her.
"The pressure was enormous," she revealed.
Still, Constand persevered and now, though "we may never know the full extend of Cosby's double life as a sexual predator but his decades-long reign of terror as a serial rapist is over."
Her struggle, however, only continues.
"I know now that I am one of the lucky ones. But still, when the sexual assault happened, I was a young woman brimming with confidence and looking forward to a future bright with possibilities," explained Constand, 45.
"Now, almost 15 years later, I'm a middle-aged woman who's been stuck in a holding pattern for most of her adult life, unable to heal fully or to move forward."
"Bill Cosby took my beautiful, healthy young spirit and crushed it. He robbed me of my health and vitality, my open nature, and my trust in myself and others."
Now that the trial is behind her, Constand is trying to take "a step in the right direction: away from a very dark and lonely place, toward the person I was before all this happened."
"Instead of looking back, I am looking forward to looking forward," she ended her statement. "I want to get to the place where the person I was meant to be gets a second chance. I know that I still have room to grow."
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