Just Shy of 21, Lohan Gives Up the Sauce

UNLOADED Lohan

• Her liver's a Wonderland: Not so anonymous alcoholic Lindsay Lohan checked herself into rehab yesterday, soon to be scrawling epithets in the bathroom stalls of the luxurious Wonderland Center.

• See? Global cooling!: Watch as ignorant, Al Gore-hating Hummer jockeys try and use snow in Malibu and Texas to refute global warming when it actually proves our planetary bipolar disorder.

• D.C. contamination: The Potomac is full of sex-altering chemicals. That explains the recent tears of a certain chief clown.

• Ain't he funky now?: Dead for over three weeks, James Brown refuses to be buried. Well, it's actually his family that refuses to bury him as they resolve will conflicts and build a sequined mausoleum.