LOWERING THE BARR Roseanne
• Roseanne-colored glasses: Erstwhile comedienne Roseanne lashes out against Oprah for endorsing People magazine hottie/presidential candidate Barack Obama. Her argument? Barack doesn't have girls' backs (quite literally) when it comes to reproductive rights.
• Womanized: You'll remember Stonie as Sacha Baron Cohen's hyper-endowed son in Borat. Remembrance may well be the only way to regard him, as he is now the proud owner of a pair of breasts and girlie hormones. That famous package? Intact: Some decisions you can never take back.
• Fashion House of Worship: Fox News alleges that Madonna has conned both UNICEF USA and Gucci into raising money for The Kaballah Centre and her own patron gurus. Well, she can be quite wily. After all, she's led us to believe she's had a career for the past 10 years.
• Twincest: Somewhere in London, twins who were separated at birth and adopted by different sets of parents marry without realizing they are brother and sister. No, not the Osmonds; they aren't twins.
• Poop shoots & corporate ladders: A disgruntled employee protests the downsizing of his bonus by taking a monster crap in the company restroom, stomping around in it, and tracking it all over. A sleuthy Merrill Lynch rep says, "There must've been some sort of accident."
• Pink-slipped: Hills workhorses Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port are canned from Teen Vogue! Ruined our weekend.