Malibu's Four-star Evacuation

NO VACANCY Chateau Marmont

The Olsen Twins, Jessica Simpson, Paris, and other Young Hollywood types will have to temporarily find themselves another flop house. Chateau Marmont, the historic perch high above Sunset Boulevard that's typically a home away from home for the famous pre-hab set, is overrun with "all those Malibu assholes," as one insider so callously refers to refugees from the California fires. (For the record, having your home and, say, prized Elvis pants torched is harsh even for richies.)

All told, more than 1,300 homes and 500-square-miles have been destroyed.

What better way for the refugees to make themselves feel better than crashing in the spot where John Belushi OD'd, where Britney Spears hit rock bottom (and was banned for "weird behavior," including smearing food on her face), and where Lindsay Lohan solidified her pre-rehab status as a train wreck and flirted with a ban of her own for her revolving, all-night roster of guests?

Heck, even a non-famous Malibu fire victim could find herself on the receiving end of a mercy fling with ever-present Chateau cad and Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine. Maybe things aren't that bad yet.