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• Xenu will be sad: Rumors that David and Victoria Beckham may be moving their family back to England after his failed stint with the LA Galaxy are growing stronger.
• The waterboarding is going great!: The Pentagon announced that it is developing, but not yet implementing, a program that will allow some prisoners at Guantanamo Bay to call home. Prisoners would get two phone calls a year.
• Don’t tell PETA: Lance Mackey won his second straight Iditarod with a dog team plagued by diarrhea and infighting, much like the New York Knicks. Except they don’t win. Or have diarrhea. As far as we know.
• No Paris this springtime: The Euro hit a lifetime high of $1.5515, casting doubt on the Fed’s hope for a greenback rally and crushing our hopes that the European tourist invasion would end somewhat soon.
• Who needs information?: Survey says Internet users are addicted to new information. So why aren’t any of you clicking on our “READ MORE” tags? There’s good stuff in there, we promise!