Amy Schumer may be the funniest woman in the world, but the superstar's life hasn't been all laughs. The Trainwreck actress, 35, reveals her most painful moments in her new memoir, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo.
After her parents lost their fortune in the furniture business, Schumer found herself dead broke — and seeking unconventional ways to get by as a college student. In addition to teaching fitness classes, "I sold a little weed and shoplifted from department stores too…oops," she wrote. But she wasn't a natural. "I was the worst drug dealer ever. I would run out of baggies and have to use entire Hefty garbage bags for the smallest amount of weed," she added.
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Amy's father, who now suffers from advanced multiple sclerosis, was a hard drinker during her childhood. "I only later found out that my dad was as serious an alcoholic as they come," she confessed. "He needed to go to detox several times when we were children. To his credit, he was clever with his addiction. He only drank when he traveled or when we slept, so…all the time and every night."
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When her father first began experiencing symptoms of MS, he began to soil himself in public, leaving Schumer devastated. After one such incident at an amusement park, she claimed she "aged a decade in that moment." "The saddest realization I've had in my life is that parents are people," she summed up. "Sad, human people."
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The comedienne claimed she lost her virginity in a boyfriend's sexual assault as a teen. "My first time didn't need to be perfect, but I would have liked to have known it was going to happen," she wrote. "Or been part of the decision. Instead, he just helped himself to my virginity — and I was never the same."
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Schumer's teen antics eventually caught up to her when was arrested and charged with a felony for shoplifting at a Bloomingdale's department store. (She and sister Kim ended up being sentenced to community service, she said.) "I've graduated on to next-level hustle — making people laugh," she concluded. "It's hard work, without shortcuts."
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At just 18, Schumer found herself stuck in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship with a privileged "bad kid." After a night of drinking, he once pulled a butcher knife on her during a "violent outburst." "And that's when I was sure he was going to kill me," she wrote. It may sound clichéd, but I saw my life flash before my eyes. I thought, This is how I die? I can't believe it.'" Thankfully, she dumped him for good soon after.
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In addition to her father's alcoholism, Schumer had to cope with her mother's betrayal. As a teen, her mom allegedly left her dad for her best friend's father! Her pal, a girl named Mia, blamed the star for her mom's cheating. "It was devastating to go through such a confusing and stressful experience without my best friend," she said. "We stopped going to the temple where I'd just had my bat mitzvah. It was too uncomfortable to show our faces there after my mom had wrecked a home in the community."
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Years later, Schumer has finally found happiness. In addition to her wildly successful career, she's been dating furniture designer Ben Hanisch for nearly a year.