Deep Thoughts By Duane ' Dog' Chapman

Jan. 8 2009, Updated 6:32 a.m. ET

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(Photo: Splash News Online) American bounty hunter and bail bondsman Duane 'Dog' Chapman gave an interview with Esquire that could yield a book of quotes to stand alongside the best of them. Among the accumulated wisdom the 55 year-old shares are:

-"My grandfather told me years ago, "Watch your fantasies, because you're the kind of person who will live them."

-"Selling a vacuum cleaner to a farmer is like trying to sell the devil a match."

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-"The closest thing to hell on earth is prison. It's the worst experience I've ever had in my life. Besides death."

-"When I look in the mirror, I'd rather be studly than sexy. Matt Lauer can be sexy. I'll be studly."

-"I speak to animals a lot. Crows will come to me. I'm like that."

-"We as men need to make sure our women are fully satisfied. I went to a marriage counselor one time -- I was young, she was beautiful -- and I told her, "I just stay on longer because I want the girl to get off first, and then I want to touch them and love them." Within two weeks, I was screwing the sex therapist, right? No -- this is a true story!"

-"If I could bring my daughter back, I'd hold a snuff can over a bear's ass for five years in a Texas prison."

Chapman -- who was a gang member with 18 convictions for armed robbery, which he insists he's innocent of -- launched his reality show Dog the Bounty Hunter in August, 2004 .

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