Your Hot, Sexy Math Teacher Was Right About Needing to Know Algebra

SEX IN NUMBERS Teacher Jailtime Calculator (formula below) It's been a great couple of weeks to be a student in the Tampa public school system ... if you like nailing your teacher. Three female teachers were arrested for having sex with their students—perhaps the only "crime" certain red-blooded adolescents like this one regularly dreamed of being the victim of. One 28-year-old middle school math teacher has been charged with having sex with a 14-year-old. A 45-year-old honors English teacher was busted for having sex with two boys (one 17, the other 18) in a motel room after meeting them at a liquor store. Yet another lady, a 40-year-old substitute teacher, has been accused of sleeping with a 17-year-old 10 times. (Tampa is seemingly the epicenter for teacher-on-student action: the most famous temptress of all, Debra Lafave, also taught there.)

Concerned parents are, of course, outraged, prompting local sheriffs to launch purportedly serious, time-consuming investigations into these affairs. I have a question: What's the point? Therapists can psychoanalyze the victims all they want, but at the end of the day, if a horny young dude—who, mind you, spends 99 percent of his waking time thinking about and/or pursuing sex in the first place—manages to pull of the unthinkable and bang his teacher, he's not going to be emotionally scarred. He's gonna be the the man to his buddies for as long as he lives.