ROCKY ROAD Condit
• A dish best served cold: Gary Condit is still trying to sue Vanity Fair's answer to Matlock, Dominick Dunne, for implying the former Congressman (D-CA) may know more than he's saying about the murder of his intern, Chandra Levy. According to reports, Condit has been living out his scandal afterlife scooping ice cream at a Baskin-Robbins franchise his family owns in Arizona—that is, until the ice cream company sued him for not making payments.
• Don't believe the hypothetical: Larry King interviewed Ron Goldman's surviving family members, who were none-too-happy about O.J.'s thought-provoking essay and TV special on how he would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron—if only he'd had the chance. (Thanks for nothing, still-at-large killers!) Said Goldman's father, "Shun the book, shun the show, send a message loud and clear."
• Grumpy old man: John Murtha the Coward argued with Hardball-er Chris Matthews, railing against the cable-news culture of creating television out of nothing. On Democratic Party Madame Nancy Pelosi's endorsement of him, Murtha fumed, "It is total crap that we have to deal with an issue like this when we've got a war going on and we got all these other issues. $8 billion a month we're spending..." Next up, a Quaker Oats endorsement?
• A show-stopping non-performance: Michael Jackson's supposed comeback at the World Music Awards barely made a peep. The once (and future?) King of Pop uttered a few lines from "We are the World" and scarcely managed to dangle a kid out a window.
• Early-bird special '08 announcement: Coming as a surprise to nobody, 70-year-old John McCain will again stump for president. It'll be a filthy race, one fraught with Rove-like land mines, but you can be certain he will neither cut nor run.