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BREAKING NEWS

Dow Closes Down Again

Oct. 27 2008, Published 7:07 a.m. ET

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• The Dow closed at 9447.

Sarah Palin's phenomenal ratings in Alaska are dropping phenomenally.

• Those deviants at AIG were spending your tax dollars on a long weekend of hotel room service and mani-pedis!

• The U.S. government has suspended the tax that it would normally charge corporations to bring in money they have parked in other countries. Someone is making money off this!

• Are you an exhausted trader, often photographed by the AP clasping your hand to your face? You may drink half-off at the World Financial Center tonight.

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• What's big in England now? Crowds gathering and shouting encouragement at gay teens preparing to jump off buildings to their death. "Some brought their children to watch."

• Your evening gay cannibalism update: "A former Mr Gay UK winner who killed a lover and cooked and chewed pieces of his leg had threatened a former boyfriend with a meat cleaver, a jury heard."

• In your evening dose of pirate news, now the U.N. is getting involved to stop Somalian piracy. :(

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• Remember that dude from Kansas whose girlfriend was stuck to the toilet for two years? He just won the lottery. Again.

• P.S. Adam Ant is back.

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