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Spears the Lesser Parent of Jayden and Whatshisname

Oct. 27 2008, Published 7:07 a.m. ET

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HELP US Britney's boys

Was it really only ten months ago the world (and Rosie O'Donnell) breathed a sigh of relief that Southern sweetie Britney Spears was finally leaving her layabout hubby K-Fed? Those were different times, times before Simple blonde starlets did whole days of hard time, times when Brad and Angelina had children from only three countries.

Now sperminator Federline has somehow emerged the parent of repute as Brit and Kev finalized their divorce on July 30. Playing judge and jury, all five weeklies unanimously claim that he is going to challenge their 50/50 custody settlement, and the tabs get their usual stash of shrinks (who have never treated Ms. Spears), and "inside sources"/fired cleaning crews to make the case.

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OK! and Life & Style focus on a sin city scuffle between Brit's bodyguards and snappers last week, while Star suggests that the poptart's turncoat assistant, Shannon Funk, is Kevin's ace in the custody hole. In Touch, offers as evidence the claim that Britney stopped taking her anti-depressants and got ketchup on her face.

But Us is the clear winner of the Bad Britney Battle. They fill six whole pages with a litany of Britney's affronts to motherhood—she feeds the kids Doritos and puts soda in their bottles; she tried to kill Sean by giving him a piece of chewing gum; her constant wig changes make it impossible for her children to recognize her. But the pictures of dirty, truly terrified looking Jayden and Sean ... well, let's just say there's not a legal expert with a book to promote in the world who wouldn't hand those babies off to Kev!

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