Bone By Bone

JOCK TALK A penis tells all The current issue of South African Cosmopolitan—Shut up; if you know of a more accurate horoscope column, please do share it—features an article called "If A Penis Could Talk..." Sadly, it's not online—or maybe it is, but who the hell can figure out the websites for women's magazines? It's a nightmare!—but you can probably figure out its contents: The penis offers up shafts of wisdom like "You can increase my size instantly with these tricks," and "During foreplay, my favourite word is 'yes.'" Penis amanuensis Deborah Willmott seems to have done a creditable job turning the same old "what he wants down there" tips into an amusing "rod's eye view" piece, but just how accurate is it, really? To assess, we called an old friend out of retirement for one last mission. (Warning: contains adult content.)