WHAT, NO NECKTIE? Saddam
• Hussein felled: For all the noise he made in the courtroom, Saddam Hussein will be relegated to the status of a wind chime, as his frumpy body sways in the cool Iraqi breeze.
• Elephant gunner: That cantankerous coot, Uncle Dick Cheney will be shooting animals—and presumably supporters—in South Dakota on Election Day. Accompanying him on his trip will be his political-liability-of-a-
daughter, Mary. Just saying.
• Mike Jones. Who? Mike Jones: Outed drug-waster Pastor Ted Haggard admits to having a "lifelong sex problem," one apparently solved by gay escort Mike Jones. In an apology letter to his evangelical congregation, he apologized: "I am guilty of sexual immorality."
• High-five for American jingoism!: The mustachioed Kazakhstani's movie "averaged a phenomenal $31,511 on its 837 screens, for an overall haul of $26.4 million." To any Madonna-be's, this weekend's massive earning would fund the adoption of 5,038 Kazakh children. Jagshemash!
• Doing more harm than
coke good: Kate Moss and her bruised-arm boyfriend, Pete Doherty, have led to a rise in gun crimes: "They indirectly fuel violent drugs gangs by buying from them on the streets of London." This after Moss was called out by Colombia's VP for "killing people" in his nation.