Departing Editor's Fantasy News Roundup

SECRET SOURCE My hometown local news' website and source of all wackiness, WKMG, local6.com (is Sploid hiring?) • Sharks: "Shark experts right now are studying the attacks in Zihuatanejo Mexico, trying to figure out why they are happening." It's just your turn, bitches. There's a reason it's not called "chain-female." Surf's up.

• Helicopter: Medical helicopter crashes into hospital. Pilots survive but their burning chopper sets a fire that almost causes them to have to jump off of the building. A hospital. Then firefighters burst through the door spraying water, which sharks live in.

• Shark+helicopter: "A Coast Guard helicopter had spotted a capsized boat on Sunday near the West End, Grand Bahama and asked Rose to investigate.... Rose remembers encountering two things: sharks and dead bodies."

• Robots: Dean Kamen invents a mind-controlled robotic prosthetic arm dubbed "Luke" (so obvious) that is advanced enough to pick up a piece of paper, sensitive enough to pick up wine glass, and strong enough to crush Al Qaeda's will.

• Val Halen: When Plame records an album, I will damn sure cover it. It's already my favorite.