Are You Smarter Than a Chimp? (Hint: No)

• Monkey business: Chimps beat college students in a short-term memory game, affirming once and for all that the kids who are lured in to psychology studies by the promise of candy truly are the dumbest on campus.

• Minor flirtation: Debra Lafave, the randy reading teacher who had sex with a 14-year-old student, is arrested for violating probation by chatting with a 17-year-old restaurant co-worker on several occasions and is facing house arrest. Play date!

• Plastic surgery disasters: High School Musical star Ashley Tisdale—the one you haven't yet seen naked—joins the plastic Hollywood ranks and gets a new nose, citing a deviated septum and "literally" not being able to breathe out of the right side of her nose as reasons for the procedure. "I didn't do this because I believe in plastic surgery," she says.

• Meager means: Rudy Giuliani steps down as head of Giuliani Partners, the consulting firm that earned him around $4 million last year. Something about being tied to Al Qaeda presenting a political challenge, we assume.