Celebs—Losers Just Like Us!

BEACON OF HOPE Hilton• High self-esteem: In a new CBS/NYT poll, a majority of respondents say the Paris Hilton scandal makes them feel better about themselves. In the words of one woman: "Just knowing that rich, famous, beautiful people can be miserable, pathetic losers gives me hope that my own troubled existence may have meaning."• Dead Beat: After dumping Scary Spice on Dutch TV, Eddie Murphy shows up in court for DNA tests to see if he's the father of her child. No matter what the outcome, the child's transition up through adulthood is likely to be smooth and carefree.

• M.I.A: While fellow soldiers are out marching and fighting, Prince Harry goes out partying and tries to get a bartender to take her clothes off.

• Love bomb: Government documents reveal that in the '90s the U.S. military considered developing a bomb to make enemy soldiers sexually attracted to one another. Apparently, the Defense Department forgot you don't have to be straight to shoot straight.

• Offensive: Senator Joe Lieberman says the U.S. should consider a military strike against Iran in response to killing American soldiers.

• Off Duty: A Navy doctor is charged with secretly taping Naval Academy women having sex. The pervy doc alleges extortion.