Carte Blanche with Oprah, the Obamas, and Radar at the DNC

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST Oprah, Obamas (inset) In the off-chance that any law-enforcement officials are reading this, let's just say that what follows is purely fictional.

I ended up scoring a credential to hear Barack Obama's nomination acceptance speech, which was inspiring, electric, and very presidential, but I almost hit the deck and belly-crawled to safety when the first fireworks exploded afterward. I was certain the stadium was under a surprise attack. My nerves were so rattled that I decided I needed yet another free drink right then and there. I'd gotten wind of a private party in one of the clubhouses in the recesses of the stadium, to which the Obamas were rumored to be attending, among other celebrities. Not to be deterred by the small fact that we were not invited, my friends—a lobbyist and a political strategist—and I came up with a better plan.

"Who wants to be the member of Congress?" asked Friend One.

"I will!" I replied instantly.