SIR SPEWY John
• Rushing to the John: Sir Elton, or as Rod Stewart knows him, "Sharon," runs off stage in Australia, spilling his guts into the toilet instead of onto the hearts and souls of the first row. His reason for the "chundering" (his word) is unclear.
• Tomorrow's war Today: Matt Lauer classifies the Iraq fiasco as a civil war—the first TV anchor to defy the White House in such a (glib) way. Kofi Annan nearly agrees and says, "We are almost there at civil war," which President George probably missed as he still confuses Kofi with Mace Windu from the Jedi Council.
• Meanwhile: Bush refuses to even discuss whether Iraq is in a civil war, shovels the problem off on Al Qaeda, and thanks Estonia for its deep contribution to the war on terror.
• Memorializing the bridge and tunnel incident: Pharrell will be joining Princes William and Harry in remembering Princess Diana through a Bob Geldof-like concert. Other acts include The Killers, Beyoncé, and more bands that became famous after she died in 1997.
• YouTubers cell out: A month after getting $1.65 billion in Google stock, the YouTube founders ink a deal with Verizon to provide access to the wireless company. Yes, that's right—for just $15 a month, you can watch the most important online videos on a two-inch screen—the way they look best.
• She wants a kid, man: Nicole Kidman, who has two adopted children, wants to push a baby out of her belly. It's something she's never done before—probably because her former flame is a couch-jumping, Xenu-humping, cocktail-swirling, closeted cartoon crusader.