MORE KEVIN SMITH TOILET HUMOR

Kevin Smith thinks heavy thoughts. Heavy as in lard.

"I'm really, really fat right now," the Zack and Miri Make a Porno director was recently quoted as saying. "Fattest I've ever been."

Excusing himself from a poker game at his friend's LA comic and movie store, the filmmaker went to the bathroom and was immediately apprehensive about the delicate looking toilet bowl.

"That kind of toilet, with no base, is no friend to a fat man," he says.

Sure enough, when he settled on the seat it buckled and ripped away from the wall.

"I'm trapped, I'm panicked and I hear somebody...on the other side of the door going, 'Everything OK in there?'"

It was a friend come to investigate.

"I just point to the bowl and he looks at it and looks at the terror in my face and he realizes we have a business relationship together and he goes, 'Nobody ever needs to know about this.'"

Now that his movie's opened, he's got a new goal in life.

"I'm going away for a while," he says, "to concentrate on myself. To save my life."