Miss Universe Will Not Be Stopped

ENDURING BEAUTY Rivera

• Extreme pageanting: Puerto Rico's Ms. Ingrid Marie Rivera endured pepper spray-coated dresses, hive-inducing make up, a bit of petty theft, and a bomb threat to win the coveted Miss Universe crown.

• Dear (potentially soon to be no longer) Leader: North Korea's Kim Jong-Il is rearranging his assets and packing up shop, just in case he is forced into exile. Perhaps a sunny resort in Utah?

• Do you think your wife's a fatass? : This and many other embarrassing and personally invasive questions could be part of Fox's next hit game show, The Moment of Truth, in which ordinary people are strapped to a polygraph, agrave; la Jerry Springer and challenged to tell the truth for the $500,000 grand prize.

• Five alive!: To the delight of adoring fans and underage boys the world over, the Jackson Five is considering a long-overdue tour. Michael will reportedly be involved in music's first family's reunion in over two decades and is speculated to still look killer in a polyester jumpsuit.

• We'll always have Kenya: Old, pervy British ladies turn to the African sex trade for some "big young" man action.

• Offend it like Beckham : A gaggle of kids overcame life-threatening diseases to show up at the soccer stud's Australia hotel, clad in Beckham jerseys and waving welcome gifts. He ignored their tiny whimpers for a little attention and made at least one girl cry.

• Latest poop: Perez Hilton has an accident on the treadmill. And we don't mean he twisted his cankle. Sadly this isn't the first—or even second—time.