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Meet the Also-Rans: Professor Haines

Oct. 27 2008, Published 7:07 a.m. ET

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ONE TO WATCH Haines

What do mean, "Who's that Robert Haines fella running for president?" You mean Professor Robert Haines? Only the best cowboy hat-wearin', shotgun-packin', assassin-tacklin', to-jail-goin' sumbitch perennial presidential candidate you ever did see!

He'd be president already if it weren't for the friggin' cops. Back in '96, he was on a roll, having tackled the maniac who opened fire on the White House with a semiautomatic rifle (seriously). He could have won the New Hampshire primary if those jabronis at NHPD hadn't locked him up just for pulling a loaded shotgun on some guy outside a bar he'd been campaigning in. And FYI, in 2004 he finished fifth in the uncontested New Hampshire Republican primary even though he was in jail for almost the entire campaign season. How? By being smart (also by scaring a bunch of kids supporting another candidate from the best street corner in Manchester, New Hampshire, on election day).

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