Meet the Also-Rans: Jonathon the Impaler

Oct. 27 2008, Published 7:07 a.m. ET

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RENAISSANCE MAN Jonathon asks: Why should the race for our country's highest office be dominated by stage-managed mainstream candidates? Get to know the underdogs in the '08 presidential race—genuine mavericks without massive campaign coffers, high-paid strategists, or insurance plans that cover mental health.

In this premiere installment, get to know Jonathon the Impaler.

If you've ever dreamed of a president who is an ordained satanic priest and wants to murder a bunch of people with his own hands, Jonathon the Impaler is your guy. A vampire, Jonathon has an unwavering personal commitment to impale Osama Bin Laden, President Bush, Mike Tyson, O.J. Simpson, and others immediately upon taking office. Jonathon also brings to the table important military experience, serving as a "commanding general" of the vampire regiment "Death Dealers." This group would also provide his security detail, relieving the Secret Service of their important duty.

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He has already selected former Florida Rep. Katherine Harris as his secretary of state but has not yet settled on a VP. His top candidates: former New Jersey governor and EPA administrator Christine Todd-Whitman, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY), or Sen. Elizabeth Dole (R-NC).


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