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Meet the Also-Rans: 'Big Al' Hamburg

Oct. 27 2008, Published 7:07 a.m. ET

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NAZI AVERAGE CANDIDATE Hamburg

Attention drunks, Jews, Mexicans, retards, bullies, and millionaires: You're all screwed if presidential candidate <a href="http://www.vote-smart.org/bio.php?can_id=15761

" target="_blank">Albert "Big Al" Hamburg succeeds in his bid for the White House next year.

Any remaining Democrats who somehow fall outside of these targeted demographics, however, may find themselves intrigued by this decorated war hero who would pull U.S. troops out of Iraq while renewing the national focus on liberal causes such as cop-beating, fornicating, and stopping "school bullying of litler sic kids."

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Big Al's platform, which includes mandatory sterilization of drunks, illegal aliens, and the mentally retarded, a heavy dose of Jew-blaming, and the seizure of all incomes over $1 million, is complemented by considerable campaign experience (he's been running for one office or another since 1972) and a distinct fighting man spirit (his son reports that the Korean War vet had to re-enlist for Vietnam under his brother's name because he'd "beat up some cops"). Underscoring this tenacity are his felony conviction for election fraud and his legendary court battle against some chick who reneged on her promise to screw him 50 times in return for an automobile.

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