Meet 'Australia's Smallest Loser'

DOWN UNDER EXPOSURE Quah

The Internet tubes are understandably clogging up with chatter about the latest Republican pol's lubricated slide into the ranks of disgraced perverts, but a scandal brewing in Australia this week reminds us that the good ol' USA may not have cornered the market on family-value hypocrites yet.

Meet Andrew Quah: music teacher, bonsai tree grower, and, until last week a legislative candidate endorsed by Australia's socially conservative Family First party. The political party unceremoniously dumped Quah after determining that e-mailing out pictures of yourself clutching your junk while advising recipients to "go n suck my fat Asian cock" does not square up with their mission of "making Australia the best country to raise a family."

"I might have been drunk off my face or my political enemies might have drugged me," Quah explains. He does cop to surfing for Internet porn and taking some pictures of himself in an "inappropriate position"—expellable offenses for Family Firsters—but Quah takes issue with the party pic displaying his own private bonsai, the one that's earned him the nickname "Australia's Smallest Loser." According to Quah, "That's not my penis."