MARSHALL BLATHERS Eminem • The way he is: In a move to distract fans upset that he hasn't released an album in more than three years, rapper Eminem is releasing a tell-all memoir. Adding to, you know, his mom's book, his bio flick, and his unending, well-publicized lawsuits.
• Smoking a Cuban: Exploding seashells, hair-removal powder, and a poison pen—three items used in some of the 638 failed assassination attempts—many conducted by the CIA—that failed to kill Fidel Castro. Banana peels apparently stretched the U.S. defense budget too thin.
• Who wears short shorts?: Rakish rapper/actor André Benjamin (aka André 3000) is starting his own clothing line. No word on whether it will include safari gear, band uniforms, or kilts. But we expect it'll include them all.
• Martha's latest acquisition: Ex-con/homemaker Martha Stewart has bought the rights to superstar chef Emeril Lagasse's brand.
• Parch of the penguins: Polar bears aren't the only arctic animals that will be vanquished as the ice caps vanish. Our happy-footed friends might be next.