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Longoria's Glossy Wedding

Oct. 27 2008, Published 7:07 a.m. ET

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SLAM DUNK Parker, Longoria (Photo: Getty Images)

Apparently celebrity scandal makers also get the July 4 holiday off. The only thing that happened last week was that Eva Longoria became a desperate housewife, marrying basketball beau, Tony Parker. As the couple sold their pics and innocuous interview to OK!, the other mags were left with nothing but photos of B-listers in beachwear.

But when life gives you lemons, or stars in swimsuits, make calorie-conscious covers! Paris-free Us goes the inspirational route with a "How Hillary Did It" exposé about songbird Duff dropping 30 pounds—with her included healthy weight-loss secrets, you could too!

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Sticking with skinny, Life & Style stops airbrushing the veins out of Angelina's skeletal arms and claims that "Depressed Angie Refuses to Eat!" Hmm, wonder how many teenage girls will consume nothing but a handful of grapes after reading about this diet secret of Ange's.

And guess who's fat again? Janet Jackson! In Touch and Star both focus on Miss Jackson's return to tubby following her sexy slim-down last summer—In Touch puts the weight gain at 35 pounds, while the hyperbole-prone Star suggests it's 60.

So who wins the battle of the bulge? Readers, who once again can boast that they weigh less than Janet Jackson.

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