Slash course: A Roxbury, Connecticut, teacher, upon hearing "Welcome to the Jungle" over her school's loudspeaker after hours, flashes back to 1989 with visions of Morgan Freeeman vehicle Lean on me (clip above). Cops are called and the culprits—a janitor and friends—are cuffed, but a refrain of "You're Gonna Die!" will ring loud in this tortured woman's head for low-paying semesters to come.
• : Late night hosts, including Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien, may be back on the air in January, likely sick of bankrolling their non-writing staffers' salaries during the strike.
• : Desperate Housewives' Marcia Cross demands the return of over 200 nude photos that had allegedly been thrown out and discovered by garbage men and "prove definitively that the carpet does match the curtains."
• : President Bush responds to the Mitchell Report by lamenting that "steroids have sullied the game"—by the way, he's available in January. Maybe earlier.