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L.A. Top Cop: Lesbianism Prevents Crime

Oct. 27 2008, Published 7:07 a.m. ET

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Is Los Angeles real? And how could we tell? Yesterday police chief Bill Bratton said, "If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes and behaving; Paris is out of town not bothering anybody any more, thank God, and evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don't seem to have much of an issue" with crime. Bratton left the gym—seriously, I know—to drop in on a local NBC station's live broadcast to come out against new proposed laws against paparazzi. Los Angeles! It is a magic city in the clouds, where lesbianism actually reduces celebrity frenzy and the police chief hates John Mayer and is just bananas. Are there unicorns on La Brea today? Also Bratton was not this much fun when he worked in New York City, but then his boss was a total dick.

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