RATINGS PALS Kramer, Dave
• N-word spells Letterman win: Arranged by Jerry Seinfeld, an appearance by a repentant Michael Richards led to a rare ratings victory for the Gap-Toothed Avenger, David Letterman. Maybe if he had said offensive comments six years ago, then the unmemorable Michael Richards Show wouldn't have disappeared after eight episodes, and he wouldn't have to play PR Clean-up Man for Seinfeld's new DVD set.
• Brit-Brit likes lady bits?: Wispy-bearded Kevin Federline has come out and called Lady Britney a threesome-craving bisexual. Does anyone else get the feeling that K-Fed just Wikipedia-ed the Madonna-Xtina-Britney make-out sesh, and thought it turned into a Dirrty sex-romp during the commercial break?
• Fighting the law: Will Ferrell-impersonator Janet Reno has filed papers alleging that President George "is setting a dangerous precedent by trying a suspected terrorist outside the court system." At least Bush's letting him go to trial at all—there's nearly 500 Guantanamo Bay detainees, still.
• Los Argentinos pagará! (The Argentines will pay!): The always-responsible Bush twin, Barbara claims that her purse was stolen during her Argentinian getaway. Remember when she wore bubblewrap to a party, because the theme was "The less you wear, the less you pay?" That purse was definitely stolen, and someone needs to catch the robber. Or they could just breathalyze Barb and call the whole thing off.