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The Bondage of Katie Holmes

Oct. 27 2008, Published 7:07 a.m. ET

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DEATH GRIP Cruise, Holmes

The hell with last week's cute pics of Suri Cruise's first birthday (she'll never forget it!)—the Great Katie Escape is back on!

Star shouts "DIVORCE!" and places the blame on Cruise's live-in mamma, Mary Lee. The glossy's source/delivery boy claims Lee is prone to greeting Katie each morning with gems like, "Dear, you look radiant, but don't you think that top is a little too revealing?"

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Us, on the other hand, mounts an all-out alien attack on Scientology. (Don't be surprised if an "accident" befalls writer Gabe Guarente.) The mag claims that Katie is in a Thetan-free prison with best pal Victoria Beckham as her only link to the outside world. Let that breathe for a minute: Posh Spice is Katie's only remaining link to the outside world.

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