PUFF, PUFF GIVE Turtle (Photo: thesun.co.uk) • Smoke on the water: A cranky, nicotine-addicted turtle is said to have developed a half-pack a day smoking habit in China. Says a world-weary Animal Protection Association official: "If the tortoise smokes voluntarily there is little we can do, but we want the owner to stop making it public."
• Broken borders: New Yorker writers Malcolm Gladwell and Adam Gopnik have no plans to repatriate themselves back to Canada anytime soon. Get Lou Dobbs on the horn.
• : Got a lazy BF, ladies? Help him find his way by inflating your pleasure button with the latest craze to hit the UK: G-spot collagen implants. Seriously.
• See Wal-Mart for details: Casey Aldridge and his baby's mama Jamie Lynn register for gifts in Kentucky, and thanks everyone for "supporting them during this special time."
• Oh, Oh, Oh-o-old: The saddest part about the planned April 4 New Kids on the Block reunion on the Today show? Donnie Wahlberg. He's been in Sixth Sense since then, for fuck's sake. Don't make him put on the hammer pants again.