HARRY CHEST Potter (Daniel Radcliffe)
• Harry's fate leaked: A computer hacker who claims to have acquired a digital version of the much-anticipated final Harry Potter novel outlines key plot details: in the final showdown in a Hogsmeade diner, Voldemort walks through the front door, and when Harry looks up ... (cut to black).
• Contempt for TMZ?: A federal judge ordered the shameless gossip site to hand over their leaked copy of O.J. Simpson's faux-confessional, and may face contempt of court charges. Y'know who might have good advice on this? O.J. Simpson.
• Goat/Immigrant electrocuter: Amid the highly controversial immigration debate, segregationist sympathizer Senator Trent Lott proposes a simple solution, by way of an illustrative analogy: "Build a fence. We should have a virtual fence. Now one of the ways I keep my goats in the fence is I electrified it. Once they got popped a couple of times they quit trying to jump it."
• Baca-cha!: Hollywood's favorite sheriff files his response to the Recall Petition issued early last week. After declaring recall ringleader Andrew Ahlering to be an "aspiring politician ... in a cynical effort to generate some free publicity," Lee Baca ends on this powerful third-person plea: "Sheriff Baca is doing a great job. Please reject this proposed recall."
• Fourth time's the charm: Ralph Nader ponders a run in '08, and calls Hillary a "political coward."
• Don Giuliani: No trained monkey, Rudy G. will not do his famed Godfather impersonation in response to Hillary's Sopranos spoof. "I am not, like, in the mood for it," he says. "I have to be like in the mood for doing it. I need a big audience and I need to put gauze in my mouth to get it exactly right."
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