The Thousand Year Tweet

Oct. 27 2008, Published 7:07 a.m. ET

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Do you use microblogging services like Twitter or Tumblr? You do? Kill yourself. Seriously, how do you cope with the shame? Are your insecurities really so pervasive that you need to overcompensate by somehow pretending that the world is gagging for your dispatches from some terrible club or secret show? Is there anyone who is really on the edge of their seats waiting for your next terrible attempt at humor? You should be filled with terrible self-loathing every time you click "save" on those things. You're an appalling human being, and the fact that you somehow think broadcasting the minutiae of your life to an audience of similarly detestable narcissists is an acceptable substitute for actual conversation with real people is probably the best indication yet that it's time to pull the plug on your pathetic existence. Before you do that, though, watch this clip: It is TOTALLY something you'll enjoy.

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