Breaking from New Hampshire: a watery substance, very possibly "human tears," has been found in the ocular regions of floundering presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. Asked at a campaign breakfast about her hair, Clinton gave a long, tangential answer explaining how much she cares for this country, during which she excreted a small amount of salt-based liquid from her eyes. Experts are immediately speculating that the candidate is trying to show those on the left that she's softer than her cold exterior seems, or attempting to convince those on the right that she's really a caring patriot. One other possibility: Clinton is, in fact, a human being with the same emotions as all of us, given to both joy and sadness in equal measure. Could it be? It's up to you, America.