HER BIKIINI IS HAPPY Montag • Tears of a clown: Heidi Montag admits that, like the rest of us, she cried herself to sleep after her music video came out. Montag didn't understand how anyone could be so cruel to "a small-town girl trying to follow her dreams."
• Say it with stalking: With their usual celebrity targets apparently in Valentine's Day isolation, TMZ has resorted to staking out the regular folks doing their last minute shopping at Tiffany & Co. in Beverly Hills.
• Choked up: The Centers for Disease control reports that "choking games" are the hot new trend sweeping the apathetic youth of America. No fewer than 82 adolescents have died from the intentional asphyxiation since 1995. Upshot: It's far fewer than died in "drive-by shooting games."
• No satellite of love: Ignoring the President's suggestion that they give Superman a call, the Pentagon will shoot a broken spy satellite down from space before it falls to Earth sometime in March. Next target: that damn moon.
• : Oasis brother Liam Gallagher, everyone's favorite 1990s egomaniac, married Canadian pop singer Nicole Appleton in a super-secret ceremony today in London.