CAREFREE WHISPER Michael
• Freedom '07: Facing jail time for a driving offense, British pop star George Michael walks free from a London courtroom with 100 hours community service and a two-year driving ban.
• Frozen assets: Although he was busted with $90,000 sitting alongside a pint of Cherry Garcia in his freezer, Lousiana Congressman William Jefferson pleads not guilty and goes free on $100,000 bail.
• Conservative diet: The Bush Administration finally restricts a gluttonous corporate merger. But wait! The two companies, Wild Oats and Whole Foods, are relatively small organic food chains! (Terrorists.)
• World domination: Former Gucci designer Tom Ford’s brand-colonizes three different continents.
• Sausage-fest: The Leader of the Free World skips out on the French President Sarkozy and blows off leaders of Third World countries at the German G8 summit to nurse his poor tummy.