Prospect of Gene Simmons Sex Tape Ruins Idea of Both Sex and Tapes

PLEASE GOD NO Seriously, just don't What kind of loving God would unleash a Gene Simmons sex tape on an unsuspecting world? What manner of businessperson would assume that such a thing has commercial potential? Questions of theodicy and finance aside, there is some speculation that the male performer might not be the girthy KISS bassist; sadly, we do not live in a world with that much mercy: the guy's got a show to promote and, as well all know, sex tapes are the new four-minute slot on the Tonight Show. Hopefully, this outing will be so poorly received (one early critic: "At least put the goddamn make-up back on there, guy") that it will quickly derail the idea of any other '70s rock monsters following in Simmons' heavy footsteps: the mere possibility of an erotic Tony Iommi video romp is too much for our fragile psyches to bear.