Fowl Feelings in D.C. Squab-ble

Pigeons in the Washington, D.C., area are on high alert today following the release of an explosive manifesto by a writer for the Washington City Paper. Matthew Borlik's declaration, entitled "Seriously, Fuck a Bunch of Low-Flying Pigeons," initially threatens violence only against low-flying birds in a particular neighborhood in D.C.'s northwest quadrant. (Specifically, Borlik promises to punch these birds "right in your ugly fucking bird face.") Pigeons area-wide are concerned, however, by Borlik's subsequent promise to "jump off of a building and kick them in their bird asses until they explode." Many pigeons are also taking issue with Borlik's assertion that "I am 1000 percent awesome and pigeons suck."