Porn on the Fourth of July

In keeping with this extremely sexy day of Fresh Intel, we sent out a very special correspondent to file us a Fourth of July on-the-scene report. Avert your eyes, though, Kiddies—this is some grown-up sociology-type stuff.—Ed. We all know a recession looms. But with corners being cut—and the writing bucks increasingly hard to come by—I've still got two big skills with a stable market value: boobs and the ability to dispense booze. That's why when I was invited to work as a topless bartender at a Fourth of July bash, I said yes. What better way to boost America's flagging economy (and fill my own coffers) than by stimulating the libidos of a few drunken revelers?