BREAKING NEWS

Steve Jobs' Diastolic Blood Pressure Eerily Foreshadows Dow Loss

Oct. 27 2008, Published 7:07 a.m. ET

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Want some happy news? We'll see what we can do!

• The Dow only lost 76 points! It was a lot worse this morning!

• Our neighbors to the north went to the polls today, and were probably super-polite about it! Democracy is cool!

• Those Somali pirates have not yet blown up their hijacked ship even though their self-imposed deadline has passed! Let's hear it for restraint!

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are reportedly back together! We could not be more pleased!

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• Apple unveiled some new laptops and noted that Steve Jobs's blood pressure is 110 over 70! Not too shabby!

Anderson Cooper battled Dave Chappelle for Prince's guitar pick! So much awesome!

• TMZ claims this is the screenplay to the Sarah Palin porn flick! We like ours better! Probably because we made it up!

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