Dirty Penelope Drowns Her Non-Sorrows

TOM WHO?... NO, SERIOUSLY Cruz Refusing to feign sadness that her fake ex-boyfriend is geting hitched in Rome, Penelope Cruz led a one-woman media assault on Manhattan this week. Cruz, who is reportedly persona non grata at the TomKat nuptials, was spotted at everything from Tinsley Mortimer's handbag launch at Samantha Thavasa's uptown boutique to power walker Andrew Saffir's Cinema Society screening of Bobby. She was feted at Tribeca restaurant 66 following a VIP screening of her Pedro Almodovar film, Volver, Wednesday, and Thursday she hit Vogue's Fashion Fund dinner.

When not out on the town showing Katie Holmes what freedom looks like, Cruz has been crashing at the St. Regis Hotel, where she's registered under the pseudonym "Penelope Sanchez." Though perhaps evocative of a certain apocryphal sex act, it's at least more grown-up than the noms de hotel reportedly favored by Ozzy Osbourne ("Harry Bollocks"), Kate Beckinsdale ("Sigourney Beaver"), and Johnny Depp ("Mr. Donkey Penis"). Of course, for pure celeb idiocy, Brad Pitt, aka "Bryce Pilaf," wins hands down.