DIANETICALLY YOURS Holmes, Cruise
• Roman holiday: In a wedding made virtually "invisible" by bad weather, Scientology's TomKat "married" Saturday after actually exchanging vows in L.A. last week. With Xenu reps supposedly seated at each table, the cause celebre was not for the fake marriage, but for the fake religion. With the Italian castle locale, this was clearly a better imaginary wedding than Anna Nicole Smith's self-imposed Bahamian media blitz a few months ago.
• MTV get off the air! A new MTV survey of 5,400 young people in 14 countries found those in lesser developed nations were at least twice as likely to be happy than those in wealthy countries. Less than 30 percent in Britain and the U.S. and only 8 percent in Japan said they were content. The happiest yutes are in South Africa and Argentina, and they tend to be the most religious, while kids with access to mass media—say, MTV—are the most likely to fear terrorism, cancer, and globalization and the least likely to possess skills to cope—proving the axiom Biggie decreed years ago on MTV: "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems."
• Killing affiliates: Some local Fox TV stations won't air O.J. Simpson's walk down a hypothetical memory lane. One station spokesman said, "We determined that this programming was not serving the local public interest." That's unfortunate—they'll miss the irony of watching it immediately after the season finale of Prison Break.
• Royale foiled by dancing, flightless birds: The latest Bond movie, Casino Royale, came in behind Happy Feet, a computer-animated tale about a tap-dancing penguin. Marking up just the second-highest 007 opening ever with $42M, the boycott against casting Daniel Craig clearly worked.
• Peace—it's coming: In an unorthodox approach to ending worldwide violence, Donna Sheehan, 76, and Paul Reffell, 55, of California have founded The Global Orgasm for Peace with the hope that everyone in the world will have an orgasm on Dec. 22 while focusing on world peace—and then, immediately afterward, on a cigarette and a nap.