Dear World, Add Oprah Takeover to Your List of Worries

O GOD NO Oprah

• Oprah's Witless Nation: "I will now have the opportunity to do this 24 hours a day on a platform that goes on forever," says Oprah, referring to: A) her covert plans for world domination via the media industrial complex, B) exponentially growing her net worth, C) lecturing forth interminably on OWN, the forthcoming Oprah Winfrey Network, or D) all of the above? (Hint: There is no wrong answer.)

• Uncle Sam wants YOU! To Rock!: Kicking the USO to the curb, the Army begins its search for a "Professional Celebrity Rock Music Band" to entertain the troops in Kuwait and Afghanistan. Bret Michaels breathes a sigh of relief, as "must not suck" is absent from the list of applicant requirements.

• Pepto for MoDo: Pulitzer Prize–winner Maureen Dowd falls ill while enjoying a tour of the Middle East with President Bush, citing "Jerusalem food poisoning" as the cause. The president's own Dr. Richard J. Tubb, administers Cipro and Pepto-Bismol to the ailing ginger muffin. This Rx is startlingly close to what we favor when trying to get through one of her columns.

• Mac Attack: The MacBook Air has arrived, thin and crisp as wafer cookies peeking atop an ice cream sundae. We're still holding out for a MacBook Helium, thank you.

• Retro!: Hey, remember all the pop hits of 2007? Us, too! All you others, take a trip back to the not-so-distant past, with Idolator critics as your trusty guides.

• Like a bug-zapper in the wind: Rosie O'Donnell issues a chilling, cryptic prophecy of Britney Spears as the next Princess Diana.