'The Hoff' Can Never Not Be 'The Hoff'

ENTITLED David (Photo: Getty Images) • A Hoff by any other name wouldn't be as sweet: As part of his divorce settlement, David Hasselhoff has deftly negotiated rights to the name "Hoff," as well as the phrase "Don't hassle the Hoff." What else is there?

• I thought we were comrades, Bro: After sleeping off an evening of heavy drinking, a man in Russia is alerted, by his innocent wife, to a six-inch knife still lodged in his back. Turns out his drinking buddy had stabbed him. All in fun, says the victim: "We were drinking and what doesn't happen when you're drunk?" Nothing doesn't happen.

• Pendejos: When The Simpsons aren't busy pissing off brutalitarianisimo President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, they're busy taking aim at Argentina's revered and deceased Juan Perón. "When he 'disappeared' you, you stayed disappeared," says Carl Carlson over beers at Moe's. And don't get them started on Madonna's turn as Eva Perón.

• A couple other things to do: Miley Ray Cyrus is hiring someone to write her life story. Can you even stand it!?!

• Nose candy, har-har: Have you outgrown that taste of Bolivia's finest cocaine coating your nose for days on end? Dealers are trying to fix what ails ya' with "a full-strength powder into which strawberry, coconut, lemon, and cinnamon flavoring has been chemically synthesized."