New York Mayor's Plan To Ban Everything That Makes Life Worth Living Almost Complete

What's left on the list for Big Apple dorm mother Michael Bloomberg to shield his constituents from? (And don't say "tasers.") Addressing the success of his previous campaigns in New York—where smokers now need to take out a small loan to finance a pack of cigarettes and none of the deep-fried treats have the same kick since they yanked out all the tasty trans fats—the mayor revealed his next possible target: "People are eating too much salt, me included," said Bloomberg, vowing to do whatever it takes to protect his citizens from themselves in spite of opposition. "People don't like to have somebody come in and tell them what to do, but afterward, if it turns out to be something that's in their interest, they sure as heck say thank you." Thank you, Mr. Mayor! Once you get us off the salt, maybe you could tackle that whole protecting citizens from each other thing.