Bigotry Expert Mel Advises Kramer

SAGE Mel

• Mad Max sympathizes: Alcohol-breather Mel Gibson feels for Laugh Factory riot Michael Richards, giving him sage words of wisdom for these times of trouble. An expert in the field of public crucifixion, he said, "They'll probably torture him for a while and then let him go," thereby describing his onetime opponents as more merciful than the Jews.

• Ain't no fortunate son: Draft-dodger Prince George learned more about the Iraqi war two weeks ago when he asked Macacan Destroyer Jim Webb, "How's your boy?" Webb, whose son is trying not to die overseas, countered, "...I'd like to get them out of Iraq." Sure, it's funny and brash, but Bush still has the power to jail the insolent Webb for another 782 days ... not that anyone's counting.

• Il with anger: As punishment for nuking the Pacific waters, North Korea's Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il, has been put on the naughty list—the U.N. has placed a flexibly-interpreted ban on any high-end products entering his mighty nation. While we expect many Pyongyang headline writers to call this an "A-Bomb-ination," we'll stick with calling it a "Christmas Fear-icle."

• Never forget: The U.S. is rolling out new test questions for citizenship. Now that the newly-elected Democratic Congress is taking over, for example, would-be citizens will have to answer not only what the three branches of government are but why there are three branches.